A Utopia of Relativity

Since many students have expressed their preference for moral relativity, let us try to create in our imagination a picture of a utopian world of relativity. One advantage to students would be that we could immediately eliminate the Ethics course from all philosophy curricula, either that or change the name to "The Study of Emotional Preferences." In fact, we could strike out the Philosophy department altogether or, at least, give it a French-sounding name, such as "Philappetite" (sounds like bon appetite except for the prefix "Phil-"in place of the bon and meaning love of).

The next step in building our relativistic utopia would be to remove from every dictionary such words as "ought," "should," "right," "wrong," "perfect," "beautiful," and "ugly." These are bourgeois words which represent moral and esthetic judgments and which have absolutely no place in a relativistic world.

In our utopia of relativity, we shall have a government based upon preferences rather than laws. Thereby we can greatly reduce the size of government and lower taxes, for the need for any legislative or judicial branches will have been eliminated. After all, in a world based upon personal preferences there would be no laws to be enacted, and no judgments to be made. Indeed, we would hardly have a need for an executive branch since there would be no laws to enforce.

We would all have to solemnly swear never to use the word "right" or the word "wrong." The use of these words would only confuse citizens or make them feel guilty.

Imagine what it would be like to go into a department store and visit the perfume counter. Since no esthetic standards could be imposed upon businesses, we could expect to sample the perfumes and discover, along with such exotic fragrances as Channel No. 5, the fragrance of rotten eggs and cow dung.

If we were to hire a gardener to beautify the landscape, and the gardener pulled up all the roses and azaleas leaving only the crabgrass, we would simply smile, hand him his paycheck, and thank him for his work assuring him that "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

It goes without saying that Christians (and other "absolutists") would have to be eliminated from our utopia of relativity being enemies of the state, while the beltway snipers would be free to pursue their own unique style of happiness and personal fulfillment.

In the final analysis, we would even have to redefine the word "utopia" to convey the notion of mediocrity rather than perfection, the latter being a bourgeois concept unfitting for citizens of relativity.